Saturday 17 July 2010

"Ask a Designer" - David Thorne Anthology


The following is hilarious e-mail correspondence between a Designer named David Thorne (Australian humourist, satirist, Internet personality and author) and the world he engages.  His website is a collection of various humorous stories and accounts from Thorne's own life. Much of Thorne's humour is autobiographical and self-deprecating, often concerning his immediate family and work associates.  Also quite possibly the funniest copy we’ve read in years.

                Missing Missy
                Simon's Pie Charts
                Party in Apartment 3
                Permission Slip
                Too Cool For School
                Overdue Account
                Shopping with Simon
                Strata Agreement
                I wish I Had a Monkey
                Grubby Tenant
                1000 Characters
                Flash Drive Infringement
                Love Letters from Dick
                Chatroulette
                Blockbuster Late Fees
                Web Genius
                Magic 8 Ball Wednesday
                Working Out With Jeff
                5pm
                Investment Opportunity
                Sign & Print Here Please
                Roz Loves Adelaide
                Nigerian Sex Scam
                Twelve Coffee Cups
                Lifesize Lucius™
                Lesley the Lesbian
                Level 46 Dwarf
                Bill's Guide to the Internet
                Flight Commander
                Monarto Zoo
                St Kilda Mangroves
                Wilderness Survival
                Bees Like Yellow
                Barnesyfan67
                Will Draw for Food
                Mark's Pet Headlice
                Scanning Fine Art
                Sponsor a Black Boy
                New Hope for Thomas
                A Baby's Smile
                Dolphin Collectables
                iWank Pro
                Birthday Boy
                CCTV Installed in Foyer
                Hello, I'm Lucius
                Blanket of Security
                Thomas Brady
                Shannon Eats Lunch
                Tattoo
                Photography Tips
                Kaleth the Adelaide Gothic
                Frogs
                John's Bicycle
                Lillians Mouse
                Tom the Sad Caveman
                A song I like
                Free Big Screen Plasma





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Goodbuzz creates social media campaigns that entice consumers to play, create, and share brand experiences. We focus on developing "branded utility" - moving away from interruptive 'push' models towards more meaningful ways of connecting.  From simple metrics to actionable insights that enable data-driven marketing decisions - Goodbuzz links social media efforts to business outcomes.  Visit Goodbuzz Inc.  







Note: Any / all product names mentioned in this document may be trademarks or registered trademarks of their respective companies and are hereby acknowledged.

Friday 16 July 2010

“Please design a logo for me. 
With pie charts.” - Ask a Designer 2







The following is e-mail correspondence between the new business manager and a designer (David Thorne
) at an ad agency. 
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From: Simon Edhouse

Date: Monday 16 November 2009 2.19pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Logo Design



Hello David,
I would like to catch up as I am working on a really exciting project at the moment and need a logo designed. Basically something representing peer-to-peer networking. I have to have something to show prospective clients this week so would you be able to pull something together in the next few days? I will also need a couple of pie charts done for a 1 page website. If deal goes ahead there will be some good money in it for you.
Simon

From: David Thorne

Date: Monday 16 November 2009 3.52pm

To: Simon Edhouse

Subject: Re: Logo Design

Dear Simon,
Disregarding the fact that you have still not paid me for work I completed earlier this year despite several assertions that you would do so, I would be delighted to spend my free time creating logos and pie charts for you based on further vague promises of future possible payment. Please find attached pie chart as requested and let me know of any changes required.
Regards, David.










From: Simon Edhouse

Date: Monday 16 November 2009 4.11pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Logo Design


Is that supposed to be a fucking joke? I told you the previous projects did not go ahead. I invested a lot more time and energy in those projects than you did. If you put as much energy into the projects as you do being a dickhead you would be a lot more successful.

From: David Thorne

Date: Monday 16 November 2009 5.27pm

To: Simon Edhouse

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design



Dear Simon,
You are correct and I apologize. Your last project was actually both commercially viable and original. Unfortunately the part that was commercially viable was not original, and the part that was original was not commercially viable.  I would no doubt find your ideas more 'cutting edge' and original if I had traveled forward in time from the 1950's but as it stands, your ideas for technology based projects that have already been put into application by other people several years before you thought of them fail to generate the enthusiasm they possibly deserve. Having said that though, if I had traveled forward in time, my time machine would probably put your peer to peer networking technology to shame as not only would it have commercial viability, but also an awesome logo and accompanying pie charts.

Regardless, I have, as requested, attached a logo that represents not only the peer to peer networking project you are currently working on, but working with you in general.
Regards, David.











From: Simon Edhouse

Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 11.07am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design



You just crossed the line. You have no idea about the potential this project has. The technology allows users to network peer to peer, add contacts, share information and is potentially worth many millions of dollars and your short sightedness just cost you any chance of being involved.

From: David Thorne

Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 1.36pm

To: Simon Edhouse

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design



Dear Simon,
So you have invented Twitter. Congratulations. This is where that time machine would definitely have come in quite handy.  When I was about twelve, I read that time slows down when approaching the speed of light so I constructed a time machine by securing my father's portable generator to the back of my mini-bike with rope and attaching the drive belt to the back wheel. Unfortunately, instead of traveling through time and finding myself in the future, I traveled about fifty meters along the footpath at 200mph before finding myself in a bush. When asked by the nurse filling out the hospital accident report, "Cause of accident?" - I stated 'time travel attempt'. She wrote down 'stupidity'.

If I did have a working time machine, the first thing I would do is go back four days and tell myself to read the warning on the hair removal cream packaging where it recommends not using on sensitive areas. I would then travel several months back to warn myself against agreeing to do copious amounts of design work for an old man wielding the business plan equivalent of a retarded child poking itself in the eye with a spoon, before finally traveling back to 1982 and explaining to myself the long term photographic repercussions of going to the hairdresser and asking for a haircut exactly like Simon LeBon's the day before a large family gathering. 
Regards, David.

From: Simon Edhouse

Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 3.29pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design



You really are a fucking idiot and have no idea what you are talking about. The project I am working on will be more successful than twitter within a year. When I sell the project for 40 million dollars I will ignore any emails from you begging to be a part of it and will send you a postcard from my yacht. Ciao.

From: David Thorne

Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 3.58pm

To: Simon Edhouse

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design










From: Simon Edhouse

Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 4.10pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design



Anyone else would be able to see the opportunity I am presenting but not you. You have to be a fucking smart arse about it. All I was asking for was a logo and a few pie charts, which would have taken you a few fucking hours.

From: David Thorne

Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 4.25pm

To: Simon Edhouse

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design



Dear Simon,
Actually, you were asking me to design a logotype, which would have taken me a few hours and fifteen years experience. For free. With pie charts. Usually when people don't ask me to design them a logo, pie charts or website, I, in return, do not ask them to paint my apartment, drive me to the airport, represent me in court or whatever it is they do for a living. Unfortunately though, as your business model consists entirely of "Facebook is cool, I am going to make a website just like that", this non exchange of free services has no foundation as you offer nothing of which I wont ask for. 
Regards, David

From: Simon Edhouse

Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 4.43pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design



What the fuck is your point? 
Are you going to do the logo and charts for me or not?

From: David Thorne

Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 5.02pm

To: Simon Edhouse

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design










From: Simon Edhouse
Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 5.13pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design



Do not ever email me again!

From: David Thorne

Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 5.19pm

To: Simon Edhouse

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design



Ok. Good luck with your project. If you need anything let me know.
Regards, David

From: Simon Edhouse

Date: Tuesday 17 November 2009 5.27pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Logo Design



Get fucked.


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 
Goodbuzz creates social media campaigns that entice consumers to play, create, and share brand experiences. We focus on developing "branded utility" - moving away from interruptive 'push' models towards more meaningful ways of connecting.  From simple metrics to actionable insights that enable data-driven marketing decisions - Goodbuzz links social media efforts to business outcomes.  Visit Goodbuzz Inc.